Eien no Rannaa
by Anoni
Summary: Based on 'Touch' by Mitsuru Adachi a reflection from Tatsuya's POV, set between 'Miss Lonely Yesterday' and 'Cross Road'.


This began as a character analysis in my head, but somehow, when I tried to type it out, it morphed into a ramble from the POV of the character I was thinking about. What results is something that I hesitate to call a fanfic - because if this had been a fanfic, I would have gone about it quite differently and approached it in a style that was less reflective, more hint-driven, less disjointed in some ways and ultimately more faithful to Adachi's manga style - but as it stands, I'll just call it a reflection. Not that it really matters, in the end.

Lyrics from random songs in the Touch Best Songbook and the translations are from _www . angelfire . com/geek/tetrisnomiko/ anison. html_ info on Miss Lonely Yesterday from _www . tcp . com/doi/adachi/touch/ misslonely-yesterday. html_ and info on Cross Road from _www . forever-rain . com / touch_ Certain scenes are described exactly from my version of the manga (the Chinese version). The characters and story belong to Mitsuru Adachi. All else belongs to me.

The story is set after Miss Lonely Yesterday, but mentions a fact or two from Cross Road.

To comment, critique or correct, contact Anoni either by leaving a comment here or by sending an email to esoteric (underscore) expression (at) yahoo . com (remove the spaces).

Rated G. Contains definite spoilers. Tatsuya POV.

**Eien no Rannaa**

I still remember that game. So many years have passed since then, but that one was the one that changed everything. Looking back, I wonder why you chose that particular match; it was far from the first we watched together, nor was it the most spectacular. The pitcher's face - sweaty with exhaustion and furrowed with an almost desperate intensity - was the only part that interested me, and that was because it made me giggle to see someone trying so hard in what was ultimately only one game of many. You glared at me then turned back to the screen, gazing at the moving figures with awe in your eyes. I snatched the last slice of watermelon and picked the seeds out of it.

Strange how we walk the paths of our lives only to discover that they go around in circles.

When he strained into what became the final pitch of the game, you edged closer, and exclaimed as loudly as the fans when the batter was struck out. I pondered sticking my fingers into my ears. The watermelon juice was still dripping over them, though, so I settled for making a face instead. You ignored me. Instead, as the scene was replayed from every angle imaginable, you jumped onto your feet and pranced around, hands behind your head as you demanded, "Isn't the pitcher cool?"

I rolled my eyes. Kazuya, beside me, crossed his arms over his knees with a slight smile. You spun slightly between us and declared, "That's my dream. To go to the Koshien."

You could not have known it then, but those words shaped the rest of our lives. For both Kazuya and me. Of course, I scarcely realised it then either; how could I have? You were just a girl next door. I paid attention to you when it made more life interesting, but that was that. Oh, if you were drowning, I would probably have jumped in to save you, but why would I bother with your silly dreams? At any rate, the watermelon was more interesting than baseball was. There were just so many seeds in all shades of white and black and brown.

Kazuya was different, of course. Even back then, he would have given you the world instead of that huge teddy bear if he could have. It was nothing romantic, but he would have done anything to make you happy. Do you remember the next afternoon, when you pulled us into the yard and drew that circle on the wall? You gave us balls and told us to throw, so we did, and you kissed me on the cheek when I hit the centre. I know he never told you, but that night, Kazuya went out in the storm and threw balls at that chalk circle. He just stood there and threw, again and again, and his expression was every inch as desperate as that pitcher's had been. When he finally hit the centre, the exhilaration on his face would have rivalled that of any championship winner. I walked away from the window then, but even when our mother scolded him afterwards, that grin remained.

That night, I lay in bed - we had no bunks then, do you remember? - and stared at his sleeping face, and wondered why he was so unlucky while I was so obviously blessed. Getting the bull's eye made me happy, but I did not care anywhere as much as he did, so why could I do it when he could not? We were twins, were we not?

_Tomadou anata no sonna yasashisa ga  
Motto tsurai toge ni naru_

_Whenever I see you lost and troubled  
Painful thorns pierce through me_

The next day, we played again. I refused to throw at all, and after alternately pleading with me and trying to force me, you gave up and turned to Kazuya instead. He hesitated, I could see him do so, but then, he took it from your hand and aimed. It fell short of the centre, but scraped the edge of the chalk. You ran to retrieve it and offered it to him again, and beamed when he caught it and repeated his attempt. By the fifth time, he managed to hit spot I struck on my first throw. I still did not understand why he wanted to do it so badly, the silly idiot, but since he seemed thrilled with his success, I was glad for him.

Time seemed to speed by after that. School began and so did other activities, and when you sought us out that afternoon to entreat us to join the baseball club, I saw the same eager hesitancy on his face. For a moment, I glanced between the two of you, between brother and almost-sister, and then I scoffed and went to find my comic book. By the time I saw you both again that night, Kazuya had agreed and you were nearly pacified, though you still sent me a glare.

No, the Tacchan of that afternoon not trying to be selfless or kind. It simply never struck me as important, and since Kazuya seemed feel differently, I let him take my place. Years passed before I realised what I had done.

Back then, I thought that life would always revolve around the three of us, together as we had always been. I guess it just never occurred to me that baseball would eventually dominate our lives.

_Kimi ga toorisugita ato ni  
Nani ga nokoru darou  
Tatoe ima ienakutemo  
Kitto itsuka wa_

_After you pass by me  
Something will still remain  
Even if I cannot say now  
Surely, then, someday_

It did, though. And he deserved all the attention you gave him. The morning after morning of panting out one kilometre after another, the noon after noon of training, the night after night of batting practice... I would likely have given up. He did not need to do anywhere near as much; in fact, his teammates practiced less than half of what he did. Still, he never complained, and he never thought of it as anything but necessary. Kazuya wanted to become the team pitcher who led his team to the Koshien - and he wanted to do it for you. He was so very proud when brought home that scrap of cloth with '1' stitched in black across its surface.

Do you remember this note? Then again, I suppose you will never forget it. You wrote it that very evening, and pinned it on his wall. 'Goal: Koshien.' It became something akin to his bible. He stared at it every night. Even before he entered Senior High, those words decided half of his life.

_Hito wa eien no rannaa  
Mihatenu yume o oikakete  
Shiroi iki o kirasenagara yuku yo_

_People are eternal runners  
Chasing after endless dreams  
They run while panting deeply_

He did better than any of us expected and did so consistently, until gradually, what was unexpected before became the norm. Kazuya had grown into the friendly, popular model student and baseball ace, and before long, nobody knew him as otherwise. Except perhaps you.

You grew up too. You were pretty and talented and had as many admirers as he did, and at the same time... you became a female. We wondered how we could have missed so obvious a fact before, especially when the love letters began to arrive. You were a star and so was he, and when the world looked at you, it either grew envious or believed the two of you destined to be together forever. Our parents, in particular, saw nothing wrong in planning your wedding ten years ahead of time.

Me? You know what happened. At that point, true competition began kicking in. Everywhere I turned, whether it be at school or at home, people would run critical eyes over us. Sometimes, they would ask questions, and I would offer a snide remark while Kazuya smiled and answered them pleasantly. Either way, the conclusions remained the same - he was a star of the future, and somehow received my share of everything crucial to a star. I was left as the 'baka aniki', the idiot brother.

Do I resent him for that? Of course not. In the end, I have never worried much about what people thought. Besides, it never crossed my mind that I was less able than he was; in fact, I honestly believed that this was not the case. Whether or not I deserved to shine was another matter. How could I stand up and claim credit for something innate, especially when he worked so much harder than I would have been willing to? The competition had been unfair from the start, and since he cared for achievements that mattered little to me, I turned to other pursuits and let him be.

It was a relatively pleasant life, too. Not being burdened with schoolwork or baseball left me with hours aplenty to read hentai magazines and socialise with, and since I had you and Kazuya around, I could always find a copy of the class notes to duplicate into my own books if I slept in class. Obscurity had its own benefits, and I savoured them while I could.

Enter a particular month where several things happened, and all that began to change. It was the last year of Junior High, and, to the shock of the rest of the class, you nominated me for the relays. I knew it was more than a wish to see our class win - it was a vote of confidence, albeit a strange one. You made a habit of doing things like that; I tried to fail, to dissuade you, because there was no point in trying to get me up and running when I had purposely moved aside long ago, but for some reason, you never gave up. You are amazingly stubborn, you know that?

After practice one afternoon, Kazuya came home to find me sprawled on the ground with the tin of shortbread beside me. "I'm home."

I glanced up. "That was late."

"We had relay practices," he answered, his tone measured.

"Ah." I turned back to the television.

He stared for some moments, then reached out and turned the machine off.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Kazuya's face was as close to a glare as it had ever been, but he withheld from a direct reprimand. "Run seriously tomorrow." I stuck my tongue out at him. He paused for a moment, trying to reign something back, then exploded, "Minami was the one who nominated you!"

"So you know that too?" I sat down, taking another cookie and saying between bites, "She was probably joking."

He snatched the tin away. "She's hoping you'll perform well. If you make things hard for her, I'll never forgive you!"

I swallowed the last of what I had, then regarded him for a moment. "For Minami?" Crossing my arms, I challenged, "Even if I have to win against you?"

His face was marred by frustration. "The results don't matter as long as you run properly."

"Fine." I lifted the tin from his hands. "Okay."

My agreement seemed to confuse him. He stared, then queried almost uncertainly, "Really?"

"Yeah," I muttered, turning on the television.

"You'll run seriously?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Good." There was a hesitant smile on his face.

"At least, I will if I feel like it," I added as he stepped out the door. He stilled for an instant, then continued on.

I had never seen him quite so agitated before. In fact, I doubt he would have become so for anyone except you. The next morning, the races began and I dozed in the grass until he tugged on my arm. "Come on. It's our race."

Rubbing my eyes, I stepped up to the line. "What position am I in my class?"

"Fourth."

"You?"

"First."

"Ah, good," I said half-jokingly. "There's no way I can outrun you, then." Once upon a time, I had been faster than him; then again, that was the case with swimming and schoolwork and baseball, and there was no way I could claim to be better than him at those any longer.

He frowned at me, then gave up and concentrated on his own race. Pounding feet approached and I slid my hand back. As the baton was thrust into it, your voice whispered, "Go." And suddenly, adrenaline seemed to rush through me. I felt you looking on behind me and Kazuya sprinting beside me, and we raced forward, drawing away from the rest of the competitors. Soon, it was just the two of us.

"Help me out here," I gritted.

"Don't."

"It's for Minami, you know."

He put on an extra spurt of speed. "Since you know that, run seriously!"

I followed at his heels. "Fine. Just watch me!"

The momentum spurred me on. I think I had forgotten what it felt like to truly compete against him; with the wind against my face and my legs pumping beneath me, all other considerations suddenly dropped away. It was an equal race. For once, I was actually allowed to run.

So I did.

_Hito wa eien no rannaa  
Hashiru koto o tomerarenai  
Dare demo yume-miru rannaa da ne_

_People are eternal runners  
No one can stop them from running  
Everyone is a dreaming runner_

You remember what happened, of course. I pulled ahead of him, then stopped at the wrong finishing point because I had never practiced the race before. That night, you attempted to murder me with a plate of extremely spicy noodles, and he shook his head at me with a smile. Everything had returned to normal, and the abnormality of seeing me do better than Kazuya was balanced by my final stunt.

I still remembered the feeling of wind against my face, though.

Another event happened not long after that. Our parents had, without informing us, signed you and Kazuya up as models for a set of wedding garments. By some strange twist of fate, he was away and I, being his twin, was hastily and reluctantly named his substitute. It struck me as rather strange that you did not seem to mind.

I was outfitted then released, and when I walked out and saw you waiting there... I turned tail and ran. The washroom was just around the corner so I slid in and stared for an eternity at the mirror. Half-familiar eyes stared back at me. What frightened me was that the reflection I saw was one of a young man I barely knew - one who was fated to be with you, the breathtakingly beautiful bride. The prince charming destined for the princess.

Who was I to stand heside you? It was Kazuya's place, had his been for years. What was the idiot brother doing there?

I rinsed my face. Liquid ice ran over my eyes and nose and I had to resist the urge to brush at it with my sleeve. Outside, a voice urged me to hurry, so I wiped my hands and straightened. A hand reached out of its own accord and pushed the door open, and when I walked out, you looked over at me and smiled.

You smiled at me. Me, Uesugi Tatsuya.

I could tell, you see. We had been together for more than a decade, the three of us, and it was not difficult to differentiate between different expressions. I blinked, once, then somehow summoned up the courage to walk over and stand beside you after all.

As I said before, I never realised what I had given up all those years ago. At that moment, however, as your hand reached out for mine, I saw it all. I saw the dream that could have been and could never be, and I saw a vision of a future that I wished for but could not have.

"Smile a bit!"

Smile? How could I? Then, your hand tightened on mine and I let everything go, let myself believe for a moment that there was still a chance.

The camera clicked.

I still have a copy of that photo. I know you do too. When it was developed, our parents took the money and we returned home, and again, our lives reverted to normal. This time, it was harder than ever before.

_Koe o kakezu kono basho de anata o miteitai  
Naze hito o suki ni naru no kana_

_I want to keep watching over you silently  
I wonder why people fall in love_

We graduated into Senior High not long after, and Kazuya, being the famous ace he was, immediately became the star of the baseball club. Sachito tried to make convince me to join and, in truth, she almost succeeded. I never told you how close it was, did I?

That day, the final day of nominations, I stood outside the fence and watched Kazuya pitch. She came up to me and held up the board. My eyes glanced between the black on white and the brother in the distance, and I looked at her. "Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll answer you."

She accepted that and left.

I stood there, though. I stood and watched and wondered whether it was too late to change things. Could I?

The next day, I took a ball and a rock, and drew a circle on a wall. I walked twenty paces away, closed my eyes, and threw with all my might.

It flew straight. More importantly, it flew true. I had hit the centre... again.

Retreiving the dirt-stained sphere, I rubbed it absently against my shirt then sat down, staring at it. Could I really do it?

Then, I walked towards the clubroom. When I arrived, I paused at its threshold, with my hand on the handle of the door. Yes, I see your eyes widen now - you realise what I heard, do you not? That day, at that very moment, the team was welcoming you as its secretary. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that you were doing it for Kazuya, just as he was doing it all for you.

Could I make a baseballer out of Tacchan, the idiot brother? Yes. But did I truly want to, in the end? Did I want to split my own brother's fame and risk outshining him? Did I want to step him and beat him to the dream he had worked so hard towards? Did I want him to lose the main source of motivation he had, your support? Could I bear making that happen with my own hands?

I walked silently out through the halls, past the lawns, into that garden where I had drawn that circle. Harada found me there. "Join me. We can do boxing together."

Taking the pen he offered, I wrote my name down. He glanced at it, remarked that my writing was horrible, and disappeared.

You wanted me to take up a club activity, and I could do that. But at the expense of Kazuya... no. No, I could not.

_Jibun ga kizutsuku no nara heiki da ne  
Dareka o nakasetara kanashii ne_

_I'll be fine if I'm the one who is hurt  
It's more sad to make someone else cry_

Some days later, I walked into the ring beside Harada, only to be greeted with 'welcome punch'. I fell, and rose again. Another punch landed.

"Retalliating is allowed, you know," my companion told me drily from outside. I blinked. The final punch was followed by a smirk, before Harada stepped in and knocked the guy out cold.

That night, as we walked home, I touched my face gingerly. He regarded me for a moment, then muttered, "You needed to be hit at least once, though."

"What!"

"Otherwise, you'll never learn to strike back." I stared at him, and after a while, he looked straight ahead again. "Never mind."

The season began. On the afternoon of the first game, I entered the training room and found it nearly empty. "What's happened to everyone?"

"They've all gone to watch the game."

"Huh?"

Harada's rhythmic punches never slowed. "It's the first match of the rising star, Uesugi Kazuya. All other clubs are on holidays today just so people can watch him."

Turning away, I tugged my blazer off. "Really, now."

"Aren't you going?" He asked of my back.

I paused. "Seeing Kazuya's victory... depresses me."

"That isn't it," he returned, moving onto the next piece of equipment. "You just don't want to see the look on Minami's face as she cheers for your brother."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I threw him a look over my shoulder.

"Exactly that."

With my gloves on, I turned away again. "None of your business." He saw too much though, that giant of a teenager. "He's my brother. I've got nothing to say."

"You've never done anything for Minami, so now that you realise you like her, you can't not let your brother go ahead of you."

"Oomph," was my reply. The sandbag had slammed into my face. "Don't be stupid. They're ideal for each other; anyone can see that." Of course, you had been refusing to admit you and he were a couple for years; it left me with the dubious joy of seeing hopeful faces swarm around you every day. It irked me to hear you insist that you were just friends. It bred too many false hopes.

Harada thumped his own sandbag. "And aren't you and Minami ideal for each other too?"

There was silence.

Then, I threw my gloves down.

"Where are you going?"

Tugging my uniform back on, I bit out, "If I'm going to talk about these things with you here, I might as well go and watch the match."

He turned back to to his punching with a shrug, but as I left, he added, "Her support for him is only in baseball."

Kazuya won that game, of course, then played many others and won those as well. I improved gradually too, and Harada refrained from any more statements that hit too close to home. Before long, I landed my first punch... in fact, it was my second of the day.

Do you remember that day when I asked you for money to buy a notebook with, and you handed me the one you received for being nominated the 'best couple' with Kazuya? I would not accept it - how could I? - but you pressed, and finally declared that I was jealous.

I slapped you.

Of course I was jealous. I wonder now how so few people saw it, but as you and he grew more like a couple, I could only remember what I could once have had. When you offered me that notebook with all its connotations, I saw you offering me everything I wished for - only it was not something I earned, but a mark of pity. And seeing something that would have been so precious to me treated with so little regard did not help either.

You were only being nice, I know. That probably made it worse.

_Hitori ni shite kure yo  
Setsunaku senaka muketa_

_Just leave me alone  
I painfully turned my back on you_

I apologise, again. You have forgiven me long since, but I should have controlled it better. After all, I had done so for long enough. The hurt on your face helped me restrain myself many other times, to tell the truth.

One night, soon after that, I lay in bed when Kazuya entered and told me that he had hugged you and kissed you. I flew out of my bunk and glared at him as he smiled smugly. My hands were white and clenched around the edge of my the ladder, and that was the only thing holding me back. I wanted to hit him, to knock him out cold. But I did not. Because of you. How ironic the world can be.

"Turn the lights off."

The smile lingered. "I truly did, you know."

"I know."

"I really like Minami. No matter what, I won't give her up to anyone. Not even to you, brother."

"...go to sleep, you idiot." If only he knew.

The next day, you arrived at school looking like a ghost. The nurse pronounced that you had a fever and I dragged you home. As we walked up the stairs, you proceeded to murmur, "If I died, would you cry for me?"

I frowned. "If you weren't sick, I'd hit you."

"You haven't been very nice lately, Tacchan."

"Hey, even if you can't stand me, you don't need to say so now."

And then, you turned my heart inside out by whispering, "No, I really like Tacchan."

You really ought to try not to speak when you have a fever.

I tried to block those words out. I tried harder than I could ever remember trying, but it was no use. The dreams were refusing to die.

Then, you delivered the final blow. I played my first match and lost. Harada told you the results, so when you went home, the secretary of a Meisei team that had scored yet another victory, you searched for me and found me sulking in bed.

You should probably have left me alone.

I had lost. Kazuya had won again. He was fulfilling your dream, and I? All I could do was fail in the one thing you had asked of me. Why did you tell me to win? Why... when I simply could not?

You listened quietly. I turned away. For some crazy reason, you apologised to me when I should have been apologising instead. That somehow made the disgrace even sharper.

"If you were a gentle girl, wouldn't you kiss me now?" The joke was laced in bitterness, something that was never associated with the old Tacchan. Where was he, I wonder? Where was the idiot brother who lived so blessedly unaware?

And then you kissed me.

At the moment when I felt I could bury myself forever in shame, you leaned on tiptoes and pressed your lips against my cheek, before pulling away with a smile. "Dinner's ready, Tacchan."

I could not sleep that night, nor could I eat the next day. You know all of that, though; after all, you did come running when you found me in the nurse's office.

"Why on earth didn't you eat anything for the entire day?"

If you had been a dragon, smoke would have risen from your nostrils. Swallowing the last mouthful of udon, I rested the bowl on the table and leaned my elbows on my knees. "Could you do it? Comfortably?"

"Hmm?"

I looked up and our eyes met. Did you realise I had not meant to say what I said? The words were dragged out of me by the same pair of hands that set the joke upon my tongue the previous night. Had I been granted time to think it through, I never would have voiced either comment.

Tacchan could be rash, yes. Just not in this area. Not with so much at stake.

"What's there to be uncomfortable about?"

Outside the window, the sun shone upon the school buildings, upon the running figures of the baseball team, upon the scores of students gossiping and laughing and milling around. They all seemed like part of a different world.

It was so quiet.

Pushing my chair aside, I stared out through the glass and murmured, "Was it such an unimportant thing to you?" My heart had stopped. I had no idea what I would do if you answered yes... but I knew even less about what I would do if you told me no.

"You mean last night's kiss?" Your voice was quiet, and your tone one I did not know. I could feel you move to stand beside me. There was a thoughtful silence. "Because it was Tacchan... I am comfortable with it."

I spun around. With a slight smile, your eyes met mine, and the sun dusted your cheeks with flecks of gold. I blinked.

Lightly, you continued, "It was my first kiss, you know. You should be grateful." The smile still hovered on your lips, but you stepped away, picking up my discarded chopsticks and touching them against the bowl. "Because it was Tacchan, I could eat breakfast, and I could eat lunch as well." I stared at her and she slid the chopsticks back together. "Because it was Tacchan, I have nothing to be uncomfortable about."

The nurse shooed us out, then, and we strolled together towards the baseball field. The smile still lingered on your lips but I could not bring myself to follow suit; something was thumping painfully against my chest, and I felt as though I was a million miles away.

What is the sound of one heart breaking? For I know that was the noise I heard, a canon set on endless repeat in my mind, as we moved.

I had not recovered when we took that walk at night. I told you I had forgotten all about the kiss, and you stared at me with a stranger's eyes.

"Can it not become a precious memory for you?"

"Well..."

A silence.

"It's okay if you want to forget." You turned away. "I'll always remember it, though." Another pause. The hush of twilit stars descended upon us, all too heavily, until you finished softly, "Because my first kiss was with someone I cared for."

I stood there, stunned. It seemed to happen quite often, did it not? Your face broke into a smile, then, and with a wave, you added, "Good night, considerate brother."

Then you left, and I remained standing there as twittering birds rustled by.

My heart, by the way, felt like it was breaking again. If I could cry, if the tears had not been so stubbornly missing, if I had not been standing in the middle of the street where cars sped by and where drivers swore as they were forced to swerve around me... I would have wept.

Thank god I was on the street.

Why did you keep trying to convince me I had a chance? I did not want to do it, I did not want to take anything away from the perfect fairytale romance. The two of you could be so happy together. Why did you insist?

Why... when I had convinced the world to pass me by?

_Kimi ga toorisugita ato ni  
Nani ga nokoru darou  
Moshi mo itsuka furimuita toki  
Kitto boku dake wa_

_After you pass by me  
Something will still remain  
If someday, you turn back to me  
Surely, then, I will_

After some time went by without another earth-shattering miracle, my world returned to some semblance of normality. Memories did not flood my brain at every waking moment; only when I had time to take a breath did they return to mock and haunt. I could deal with that.

Did Kazuya sense a change, I wonder? Not long afterwards, we played that game of poker. He had a match the next day, so I let him win; it was no big deal, and I had done it often enough before. That, and I guess I was feeling slightly guilty.

Besides... I do not think I could have won willingly. I tried, but as I moved to place the cards down, my hand stopped in midair. Then withdrew. Old habits die hard.

You glanced at me. "Tacchan?"

"Ah, I lost." I poked a finger at my brother. "You won, so you'll definitely manage to get to the Koshien. Get it? You won."

He leaned down and flipped my cards over. A straight. Had I laid them down when I had a chance, of course I would have won. I shut up. For a moment, Kazuya frowned at me. "Play seriously."

Laughing, I tried to avoid his eyes. "It's just a game, why does it matter?"

Kazuya bent down. "Come, let's bet."

The smile slid away. "Bet what?"

"Minami."

The universe outside dropped away from us. In the bright glow of that room where we three had spent most of our lives, we exchanged glances as my little brother smiled. In one hand, he held up the ace of hearts. "The one who wins can marry Minami."

I was still in shock, but you had already slapped the cards away. Did you ever wonder why he did that, though, the Kazuya who was the fated prince? I think he did sense something, even then. We will never know.

As I told you later that night, though, his heart was true.

Your father had told me to mind the coffee shop the next day, but midway through the match, I left and joined Harada at the top of the stands. By the time I arrived, it the ninth round was close to completion. The score was 1-0, and Meisei was not in the lead.

For a few minutes, I remained focused entirely on the match - where could we score? Was it possible? Oh, but we needed to win. It was the semi-finals. They were so close, so very close.

The ninth batter came up, shuffled around sheepishly, then launched into what was probably the most poorly-aimed swing of the entire match. Wood cracked against ball. The sphere flew up and over, the runners ran, and Meisei earned a point.

Kazuya had a chance.

At that very moment, something inside me constricted; I spun around and landed a punch into Harada's stomach with all my might. He glanced down at me and I closed my eyes, waiting for my equilibrium to restore itself. Then, I turned around to face the field again. "This is great."

The giant never blinked. "It was only a random swing."

"Yeah, but it's great!" I had myself convinced, you know.

He exhaled and rubbed his stomach, and when the next batter stepped up, a cry rumbled through the crowd.

'Kazuya! Kazuya! Kazuya! '

"The prince has arrived. Fulfilling the princess's dreams... a joy indeed."

I did not reply; what could I say? It was nothing but the truth.

Kazuya got Meisei the point it needed, of course. The final score was 1-2, with Meisei in the lead. They had gotten into the finals.

"A perfectly played role for a prince..."

Harada gave me a sideways look. "The prince who fulfils the princess's dreams and the prince who leaves hand in hand with the princess... if the princes were twins, who in the audience would know if they swapped places in the middle?" His eyes settled innocently on the ceiling, or as innocently as Harada could ever have managed.

I swallowed, then looked down to where you and Sachiko were cheering. You seemed so wonderfully happy.

"The princess has a choice. But," he looked straight ahead, then, at the field and the people and the pitcher on the pitcher's mound, "if the other prince never leaves the audience, the swap cannot happen." It was my turn to stare at him out of the corner of my eye. "Get onto the stage, Tatsuya. Otherwise, Minami has no choice."

My world, for the millionth time, seemed to come crashing down. "Harada, you..."

"I'm just the audience." His expression never wavered in the entire duration of the conversation. Anyone looking on would have assumed he was discussing the next opponent he would defeat in the boxing ring. "Someone who wants to be with the princess, to run onto the stage, but who falls down on the stairs... that's a stupid prince."

I kept staring. From where you stood, you noticed us and waved. He may have sighed, I have no idea, but then, he scraped his thongs against the concrete and turned away. "So that prince can only remain among the audience and hope the princess will find happiness."

"Tacchan!"

I switched my gaze to you momentarily, and Harada's words drifted over his shoulder. "Giving up a battle is dishonourable, you know."

You raced up, calling my name again, and he disappeared into the crowd. "Oh, this is wonderful. We won!"

Below us, streamers were flying everywhere, and the entire team was flooding around my brother. Meisei supporters in the stands were in the middle of a standing ovation.

'Kazuya! Kazuya! Kazuya!'

Looking down on your face, on the pair of hands that clutched my own in excitement, I found myself murmuring, "Congratulations, princess..."

_Boodo ni namae ga kieru ne  
Ai wa ai wa ai wa setsunai_

_My name has been dropped off the scoreboard  
Love is, love is, love is painful_

It may sound strange to you, but something inside me relaxed after that. I guess you could say I gave up again. Your dream was close to fulfilment and both you and he were so happy, so who was I to interfere?

Then, the stubborn side of you kicked in again. On the night before the final, we were sitting at the coffee shop, at our usual place by the window.

"If he wins tomorrow, we'll be able to go to the Koshien."

I never looked up from the comic. "If? Make that 'will'."

"Mm," you returned absently. "The next one is Tacchan. It'll be your turn to fulfil my other dream."

"Other dream?" I glanced up, and you met my eyes with a smile.

"Hey, help me clean up," your father called at that moment, and I laid the book down.

"Fine."

"I'll help you." Swinging the apron over your neck, you headed towards the kitchen too.

After a few minutes of silence broken only by the sound of water running against suds, I finally asked, "Other dream? To be a professional baseballer?"

I think you turned and looked at me at that point, but I never took my gaze away from the sink.

"No... it's an ordinary dream."

My mother told me later that night that it meant you wished to marry me.

On the same night, Kazuya told you he wanted to marry you.

I was standing outside, you see. As he mentioned asking your father permission to propose, as he requested that kiss as a half-joke, I was standing outside the window.

Then I turned around to see you gazing into the sky with tears in your eyes.

My mind flashed back, at that moment, to one of Harada's cryptic comments - "You'll be fighting a match soon." I replied negative but he deflected it. "You will. With your very own brother."

Could I?

Could I rise onto my feet again and rejoin the race? Could I take up the forfeited battle? Could I step once more onto the stage, against my very own brother?

Your tears answered my question, this time - yes. Yes, I could.

Kazuya had grown up. He was a star in his own right. Whether I accepted it or not, he saw that battle before him, and would not let me give up. He wanted me to face him as an equal.

He wanted to earn a place beside you.

And... so did I.

_Setsunai yoru o koete kimi ni meguriau  
Sore dake ni ikitekita  
Kanashii hodo ni suki to sasayaite mitai  
Please don't pass me by _

_Crossing over painful nights, I will meet you again  
That has been my reason to live  
I want to whisper 'I love you' so much it hurts  
Please don't pass me by_

"Look! The stars are so beautiful." I leaned against the wall beside the window, and you breathed softly beside me. "There won't be a problem. Tomorrow will be a sunny day."

"...so?" came your murmur.

"It won't rain."

Your face remained shadowed. "So?"

Slowly, I lowered my hand. "Don't look like that." Ripping open a packet of biscuits, I munched half of one and tempted Punch with the other. Staring off into the distance, I said quietly, "He can bring you happiness, you know."

"Mmm..."

I straightened. "I have no confidence." When you remained silent, I continued, "At this moment..."

"At this moment?"

"I don't know." Retrieving Kazuya's bat from where it leaned against the bricks, I hoisted it up and swung. "I don't know who Uesugi Tatsuya is." You stared from the glass and I frowned. "I told you, stop looking like that." Lifting the bat into another swing, I said, "Watch closely. Even if I cannot equal him... I shouldn't do too badly. Watch closely."

I heard a gasp even as it died beneath the whoosh of the swinging bat, and spun to a stop. "But, maybe... in the end, nothing will come of it."

Your eyes cleared. "So?"

Switching my face from your face to my hands on the bat, I finished, "So meanwhile, keep waiting. See... if I can become one who can fight for you, one who can bring you happiness." I slammed the bat into the earth, firing out in a tone usually reserved for salutes, "Kindly look forward to it."

A curve touched your lips.

"And really, what was Kazuya in such a hurry for? We're only in Senior High." I rubbed the bat against my back. "Besides, even though I don't know whether we can stay this way..." I turned away. "I really want to have some more time with the three of us as best friends."

"Mmm," came your reply, and it was tinged with a smile.

I returned home after that and started up the ladder to my bunk, when a hand poked my leg. "Hey!"

"Hullo," Kazuya grinned, peeking out from his own bed.

"Asshole."

He looked slightly reproachful. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hurried."

"Huh?" I sat up. "So you heard it all?"

Bemusement brushed across his face. "My brother's voice is too loud."

"Really, hey?" I reached for the ladder, more carefully this time.

"I won't lose," he added, then leaned back against his pillows.

"Tomorrow's match?"

"No."

I removed my clothes and slipped into pajamas. "You still haven't lost. Keep going." I paused, then, and pondered saying something. It took me a moment - I still had yet to grow used to my readjusted evaluation of my little brother. Then, I slid to the edge of my bunk and peered down. "Maybe you don't believe it, but I seem to be one step ahead of you."

"I know," came his reply. But his tone was as relaxed and confident as it had always been.

"Indeed..."

"I still haven't lost."

The lights went out and I lay down. It struck me, then, that the times truly had changed. We were not kindergarten children; we were already in Senior High. Perhaps... perhaps it could be an equal race, after all.

I closed my eyes with a smile.

The next day was such a beautiful one, almost perfect for the match that would decide whether or not your dream of going to the Koshien would be fulfilled. The sky was as close to cloudless as I could ever remember it being, and having woken up to the sound of you and Kazuya playing with Punch, I went downstairs to join the two of you. That half-challenging curve of his lips inspired an uncharacteristic attempt to catch his pitches, and when I missed - no surprise, considering he was the star pitcher and I rarely even touched a baseball in those days - he had the cheek to smirk about how guys who could not catch baseballs would never be able to provide happiness for their partners. I scowled at him and threw the ball back, hard, and he retalliated with a pitch that made me wince too. Then, indignation became exasperation; he had a match to go to, and I had no way of competing at that point in time anyway.

"I told you, there's no hurry!"

He grinned in reply. "But when you pitch with your full strength, you don't seem to have backaches any more."

"Hmph."

"It's probably the boxing practice," you remarked.

He moved next to me and waved a finger in my face. "The battle between us has started, brother-mine." The finger changed direction. "And the judge must be fair and unbiased."

His words from last night drifted back to me at that point - 'I still haven't lost.' And indeed, he had not.

I think I preferred it so.

_Dare mo koko ni nido to kaette konai no yo  
Yasashisa ga ippai_

_No one will ever return to this place again  
I am filled with such fondness_

You glanced at us both before tossing the ball in the air, declaring with a thoughtful laugh, "With such amazing guys competing for me, I can hardly not try to keep up with you." It descended and you caught it deftly, murmuring, "So I'm going to work hard, too. To become somebody amazing myself." You turned. "Kazuya, time to go."

"Right." He straightened. "Brother, I'm going now." Then, he added with a grin, "Be strong."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Good luck."

"That sounded so sincere."

Waving my arms madly, I hollered, "Go Kazuya! Go Kazuya!" He stood there with a slight smile, and after a few moments, I subsided. "Idiot, if you lose, then you're gonna have to deal with me. No matter what, you may not have this chance next year." I shifted my weight slightly, and watched Punch snuggle up to you out of the corner of my eye. "If you want to see Minami's smile, then it's up to you." My eyes met his. "Good luck."

"Hai."

He turned towards you, his eyes bright with confidence in a dream close to fulfilment. "See you at the stadium, Minami."

_Wakasa wa suteki to minna iu wa  
Koi mo yume mo ashita kimi no mono_

_Everyone tells us how wonderful youth is  
They say our love and dreams and future belong to us_

As I said, it was a beautiful day.

Kazuya strolled out into the sunlight and I went back inside, only to be sent out again with the good luck charm he had forgotten. Mildly irritated, I jogged to the school, weaving past a crowd on the way. Koutarou raced up as I approached. "Kazuya, you're late." He peered at me, then, and frowned. "No, it's his idiot older brother."

I was glancing around the team and when he spun my face around for a closer look at me, I jabbed an elbow into his chest. His leg flew up in a poorly-aimed kick. Before we could explode into a full-scale war, Takeshi intervened, "Kazuya really isn't here yet."

"Eh?" I pulled out of Koutarou's grasp and stared at him, then raised an eyebrow. "I guess I must have been running more quickly than I thought." Spinning around, I retraced my steps from before. This time, when I passed that crowd on the street, I paused.

'...the kid has been saved, but the person is injured...'

Inhaling, I waited a moment for my pants to slow, then tried to move past the mob of people.

'...the ambulance has arrived...'

'...it looks like a high-school kid...'

I froze.

'...and look, he's wearing the baseball uniform...'

My heart froze, then, too.

In the end, I watched most of that final in the hospital lounge. Takeshi did a decent job, as you saw - in fact, considering how much they relied on Kazuya, they were performing wonderfully. I was so absorbed in the moving dots on the screen that I took an entire minute to respond when the doctor came out. "Are you Uesugi-san?"

Mumbling a 'yes' as my eyes remained glued to the screen, I waited until the resounding crack of ball against wood sounded before turning around. The man's glasses were off and he was running the edge of his sleeve across the lenses. From the television, a cheer rang out and I spun around before I missed anything, and by the time I looked up again, the glasses were back in place. He himself was quiet.

I stood up.

'...Meisei's pitcher, Takeshi...'

Stepping away from the couch and switching the machine off, I waited. It took an eternity before he opened his eyes, and an even longer time before he switched his gaze from the twittering birds outside the window to look at me in the eye.

And then, even though part of me had guessed already, I suddenly wished that he would not speak at all.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" The driver delivered a curse and almost dropped his cigarette as I stepped onto the road, heedless of traffic.

I looked up at him without a word, and brushed a fingertip lightly across the bumper of his car. For a moment, I wondered what the other car had looked like. I wondered if it was just as white, just as shining, just as clear of blood. Then my legs moved of their own accord, and I continued my mindless walk towards the stadium.

_Dakedo koboreru kyou no namida ga  
Mune ni ochite itai_

_But the tears we shed today  
Fall into our hearts and sting_

My parents were reluctant to follow me, but after I tugged for a while, they did do so. You had a world of questions in your eyes and I almost broke down and told you everything; in fact, had you asked, I probably would have. I was glad that I managed to distract you at the last moment... not that it did much, in the end.

Harada stopped me as I hailed the taxi, and I gave him a message for you. His eyes widened as I said the name of the hospital, but he did not ask and I had nothing to answer. I told him to deliver it to you when the match ended. The taxi arrived. At the last moment, he grabbed my arm and asked intently, "Only when the match ends?"

I looked away. "...yes."

Then I stepped in the car, and it drove off, and he went directly up into the stadium to tell you what little he knew. Did the roar of the crowd suddenly die into nothingness, I wonder? Or did your mind just shut off, refusing to accept even the possibility that the images crossing your mind could be real?

I was sitting in the room with him when you arrived. There, you stopped, your silhouette a statue in the doorway. The room was pitch black but I know you saw us anyway. The white sheets covering his face were larger than life.

You took a step forward, then, and belatedly, I remember his final words to you - 'See you at the stadium, Minami.' You took another step. I did not move as you reached the bed and lifted the covering from his face.

"His face is very clean."

You did not reply.

The barest smile touched my lips, though I had no idea why. "It is almost as though he isn't real," I continued in a murmur. My hands crossed across my lap, and tightened. "Dying just like that..."

There was a sigh. I think it came from me.

Keeping my voice light, I said, "No real wounds, only... the impact was strong... even then, he could no longer move."

Your hand hovered over his face, and there, it stopped. I could not see you clearly in the shadows, but again, quietly, I repeated, "See? Almost as though he isn't real..."

And then I said no more.

_Suki da yo tte uchiaketa  
Anata ga nijinderu_

_You, who were able to openly express your love  
Are beginning to fade_

We found out later that the game had ended 4-3, with Meisei in defeat. You responded with a soft 'oh'. Then you left to deal with the grief your own way, and I locked myself in my room with music blaring from my speakers at full volume. He used to tease me about that music. He used to tease me about a great number of things.

He would not do so any more, of course.

I saw his face in my head, watched the panorama as it transformed from delight to exasperation to the quiet confidence that always played a counterpoint to his words of modesty. I heard his voice reprimanding me, sneaking in a jibe, declaring his heart's dreams for the world to hear. My eyes closed then opened again, and landed on the note pinned to the wall.

Goal: Koshien.

At that moment, it all rushed back to me, and the recurring conundrum of my life emerged once more - why? Why did he have to leave, just as the competition begun? Why did he work so hard just to have the battle taken away before the final charge? Why were the gods so cruel to someone who had such faith in his future? Why did it have to be him? Why... why was life so unfair?

'I still haven't lost,' he had said two nights before. And he had not lost. His life was ahead of him. He could still fight, he still wanted to fight.

'I still haven't lost,' he had said on the eve of the final. I remembered the tone of his voice, the smile that echoed through the wooden boards to reach my ears in the top bunk. I could imagine his dreams that night - I could imagine a victory bright and unwavering in his mind, a dream of his and of someone he loved being brought into fruition. If he had been given the chance, there was no doubt that it would have happened.

'I still haven't lost,' he had said with conviction. And yet, as I buried my face in the covers of his bed and clenched my fists around the fabric, something sank in with a sickening finality - he hadn't lost, but in the end... he had. He really had.

_Futari narabi nageta koishi ga toki no kawamo de  
Mabushiku mizu o kitte yuku ne_

_The small stones we threw into the river of time  
Brilliantly slice through the water and move on_

How did one pick up the shreds of a life shattered? I had no idea. The next morning, I woke early and waved at you as you smiled down with red eyes upon the balcony, then began what used to be Kazuya's morning run. Punch chased my heels but for once, he did not try to bite them; who knows, perhaps what you say is true and he really did know what was going on. Either way, I had a chance to wonder about life and death and about what I was going to do with mine now that half of its purpose seemed to have disappeared.

The day was also a beautiful day.

Another irony struck me, then. For most of my life, I had given way to Kazuya - I had retreated into the sidelines and let him shine. Only very recently did I even want to compete, and before I could step onto the starting line, my opponent was gone. It would have been so much easier if I had never joined the competition in the first place, but I had, and at that point, I was left floundering.

How, in the end, can one win against someone who is no longer there?

I had not won. But, in the end, I had not lost either. How could I compete? The rules had changed; I was fighting a memory instead of a human. He had been crowned in all his glory, and would forever remain immortal. How could the idiot brother try to win what the world deemed rightfully his? How dare I even try?

I almost gave up there and then. I would have, had it not been the memory of your parting wave, and one other thing - 'be strong,' he had said before he left for the last time. He had accepted the fight. It may not have appeared thus for the rest of the world, but to him, to you, to me... the competition was a fair one. And in a race, the fact that an opponent is not running beside you does not mean you do not run. It is a different race, one where the runner has nobody but ghosts of the past and future to measure himself against, but it is not an abandoned race. I had accepted the challenge. I could not give up.

In the end, I did not truly want to do so.

_Hito wa eien no rannaa  
Namida de mune ni kizu tsukete  
Manatsu o kaketeku rannaa da ne_

_People are eternal runners  
Their hearts are wounded by tears  
We are all runners chasing after the mid-summer_

Life went on. I joined the baseball club, provoked Koutarou endlessly and pitched until nightfall. Takeshi and Sachito believed I could, the other teammates held their breaths and Kazuya's partner stared at me suspiciously while he tried to figure out whether I was trying to replace my brother. Our first match arrived and the coach gave me a set of instructions. I ignored him but followed them to the letter. We won, the team cheered and Koutarou rose from where the catcher was supposed to remain to regard me thoughtfully. "Maybe I should reevaluate you."

I said nothing.

In the end, it did not seem to take long. Yes, it was two years, but they flew by so quickly. You rose to your own fame in gymnastics, becoming the amazing girl you wanted to be, the one that could stand as an equal beside the two of us; I pursued the goal of playing in the Koshien. Game after game, opponent after opponent, until I finally stood in the stadium itself.

Then, the questions returned.

What was I doing there? The crowd surged around me, and my own face stared out from the newspapers. I was Uesugi Tatsuya, the genius twin of the deceased Uesugi Kazuya. I was living to continue his dream. The entire Japan cheered with me. I had, by all scores, reached my dream.

But who was I? Had the shadow of my brother cloaked me all this time? What was I doing? Why was I playing at all? Who was it for?

Who was I?

_Please don't pass me by..._

I ran.

You had a competition that day, but for some reason, you turned away too. I saw you standing outside that electronics shop and walked up to you, and we embraced as though we would never let go.

We sat on that grassy hill, overlooking sky and river. We sat there quietly and enjoyed each other's company for what felt like the first time in a century, and then, suddenly, something resolved inside me and I stood up to face you.

"Uesugi Tatsuya loves Asakura Minami... more than anyone in the world."

Your eyes brimmed and I stared into them, and for that moment, at least, I found my answer.

The Koshien... it was not for me. It was for him, and for you. But after that, the rest of my life was my own, and I would have you beside me. I could find out who I was outside of Koshien, and outside of baseball. I could find out who Uesugi Tatsuya really was.

_Please don't pass me by..._

We won, the Meisei team. And then we began revising for the college entrace exams, and life continued on. I studied as hard as someone like me could without becoming insane, and scraped by quite well. When people around me asked me why I quit, I answered that I had medical problems.

You knew the truth, of course.

"Why did you quit baseball?"

Our eyes met. "I just played to take you to Koshien, in Kazuya's place." The cheering of the crowd washed over me again, and I could almost hear the crack as my final swing connected and launched the white sphere into the air. My eyes clenched, blocking it out, and then I opened them again to look at you. "I didn't play baseball because I wanted to."

Oh, how I tried to believe that.

Crickets chirped around us, and strands of your hair - longer than it had been before - danced around in the breeze. "You liar. You always liked baseball, ever since you were little. But..."

But it was no longer mine. When Kazuya played, it was for you; when he passed on and I took up his shoes, I became the twin who battled to the top for his brother and someone they both loved. No matter how hard I tried, the associations would always be there. As long as I played, I would not know who I really was.

_Please don't pass me by..._

Ironically enough, it was Harada who showed me what I ought to have seen long ago. "If you play baseball, they will talk about Kazuya. Then why don't you find a baseball that's not related to Kazuya?"

Yes, why not?

It is Summer, here. I still have that photo of your last performance, and it hangs on my wall. I am where I have always wanted to be. In the end, I guess you were right - baseball truly is a part of me. The team is not the most wonderful, but I am playing once more, and this time, I am playing for me.

In fact, a game begins in half an hour. I will drop this off at the post-office along the way, then don that shirt with '1' stitched on its back and pitch in a game I love.

Now it is your turn.

You will make an excellent photographer. Since when have you ever not excelled in anything you tried at? Whether you admit or not, you have become that amazing girl you wanted to be. Enjoy it. Believe in yourself, just like you believed in me.

I have faith in you, Minami.

Perhaps one day, your dreams will lead you to America too. If they do, go to a grassy hill bordering river and sky, and look out to see how wide the horizons are.

I will be waiting for you.

_Subete no yume wa kanaerutte  
Sou omotta koto ga aru kai  
Ganbareba kitto  
Saa, sono kimochi o  
Omote ni dasunda_

_Did you ever get that feeling  
Dreams could all come true  
Just maybe, if you really try  
Now it's time to let that feeling  
Take control of you_


End file.
